If I could write a letter to my younger self.

Sep 19

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I would’ve said to senior year me. What advice would I have given someone who was so determined to make it the best year ever. What I needed to hear was different than what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear “It’s going to be great; professors give you A’s because you’re graduating, they understand you want to live it up with your homies. Homework? Who is she?” But what I needed to hear was “Life is happening and not everything that screams at you now will be a voice later.” I needed to know that my efforts were not going to be what made that year great, but that despite my efforts the Lord would work to make my last year as a student worthwhile.

My last year at Bama was turbulent. A roller coaster of very high highs, and very low lows. I found myself wanting everything to slow down every single day. There was an innate sense of life as I know it is changing and I don’t know what to expect. And for the first time in years, I would have to face a life without academia telling me where to be and what to read and what to write about. As I looked forward to graduation my fears of finding a job were conveniently overshadowed by the desire to make the most of every moment outside a classroom. I found myself simultaneously yearning for time with friends while I was spending afternoons with friends. And I became so caught up in how fleeting the moment was I began to anticipate the end before the end even came.

I was robbing myself of the beauty in living in the moment. Of being where my legs were and embracing the sun where it fell. I thought everything meant so much that I often missed the experience of letting the moment just be.

I’m not saying don’t romanticize life, there’s nothing wrong with romanticizing life. It’s necessary and good for us. But sometimes an orange is just an orange and that’s alright.

I think we often find ourselves in search of aesthetics. We want our clothes to match our drinks and our shoes to look fun in photos and we want to dance for the blurry VSCO pic or for the reel on Instagram everyone will comment on.

Or maybe you don’t. But sometimes I did.

Sometimes I do.

As much as I would love to be the girl who dances because she loves to dance, this girl does not love to dance. I love to walk. I love to support people who love to dance. I like to sway to music in the kitchen, but that’s another story.

What I’m trying to say is, there is beauty in life as we know it and there is value in life where we are. Don’t become so invested in what your story looks like that you forget what it feels like.

(I am so guilty of this)

If I could go back and tell myself anything at any point during my time in college it would be this:

It’s not that deep.

Is what you’re angry about going to keep you awake at night? No? Let it go. Life is too short to hold a grudge, no one knows how you feel unless you say it to them, and the only person carrying the grudge is you. College is a transient space. The sooner you realize that most of the people you’re around today will not be there in a couple years the sooner you can live in the freedom of allowing people to be themselves. Flawed, messy, and perfectly imperfect people, just like you. The university space you are in now is likely the most diverse circle of people you’ll be in for a while. Take it in, learn from others, spend time seeing the world through the lives of its people. You’ll find that abundance is on the other side of forgiveness.

Life is not about you.

People are not usually making decisions with you mind. People are genuinely out here living their lives, and you are living yours. Lives are busy, jobs are demanding, and we are tired. Sometimes letters get lost in the mail and texts get overlooked. Don’t spend so much time wondering why they haven’t reached out and just ask. It’s usually nothing you did. Try taking the first step. Call your mom to see how she’s feeling and maybe don’t rant about your English paper so much. Why not buy him flowers if he’s buying your dinner? Why not be the one who helps someone new at work feel welcome? The more we think about others and how we can show them kindness them the less we will focus on ourselves and the less offendable we will become. I’m not saying be a doormat but try being the person who gives first and you might be surprised at how fun generosity can be.